Thursday, February 19, 2009

The worst critic you'll ever have is in a mirror

I've lost my cell phone. Again. At the beginning of the year when I was teaching Earth Space Science, Biology, 8th Grade Math, 7th Grade Science, and 8th Grade Science (which is probably not good for the sanity) one of my students stole my cell phone. It was before I got them on board with me. I had to go through all of this to get it replaced and it ended up costing me over $200 when all was said and done. Not to mention all of the time running around that I did not have. I lost my phone again a week ago. I had it shut off and I'm hoping it wasn't one of my students again. I'm just going to have to stop bringing anything of mine that's personal into the building except my car keys and my coat. Everything else will have to get locked in the trunk of the car because the the break ins in the parking lot.

Oh, and I've gotten into a car accident. Due to the lack of sleep from worry over the phone, worry over the 50,000,000 other things on top of the phone that I'm always worried about (will I ever get lesson plans figured out, are my students learning anything at all???, am I passing my graduate courses or trying hard enough because I'm exhausted all the time, why can't I manage my time better, how should I schedule the time in my classes, is bellwork really that effective because my kids use it to goof off, I want to try exit slips but can't seem to get them right because I just have so much extra work to do for them, why can't I get a handle on my grading, oh my god - grades are due, i'm losing weight again, my insurance company can't get my migraine medication right so I keep missing work and they're going to fire me, how are my kids so sweet but so very disrespectful towards school and how do I change that) I finally snapped and slept 6 hours in 3 days. It was about 2 hours a night off and on. I finally got into a car accident this morning where I rear-ended someone and made myself late to school. I think it's time to seriously re-evaluate my time in this program and what it's doing to my health. I'm more worried that I was late to school and what that says about me to my administration and how the kids handled it than the fact that I got into a car accident from sleep exhaustion.

I can't shut it off when I go home. My mind is always racing about the things that I need to do and all of the things that I'm not doing right, fast enough, or well enough for the kids. This isn't like another job where if you screw up there's another chance to get it right. I'm dealing with impressionable people children here and if I make a mistake I could harm them irreparably.

Except when I sit down to work on my stuff for school, I'm so scared of making a mistake that I flip out and just stare at my computer screen. It's become quite a problem. I have to take my laptop everywhere with me in case I come up with an idea for my classroom somewhere. My backpack is attached to my back. Except that I'm so scared of doing something wrong that I never really come up with anything.

I'm beginning to think that I'm seriously bad teacher because of this. If I can't get over this then I might have to consider doing something else, even though I love the kids and I love the work. It's no use being here if you love it if you don't do the job that you're supposed to do. I'm a State employee and the taxpayers are paying me to make sure that these kids get an education. I'm not doing my job because I'm afraid of screwing some of them up worse than they already are now. There has to be some irony in that somewhere.

No comments:

Post a Comment