Surgery

I need to be more positive in my posts. Today is a day where I fail in that regard.

I'm sick.

On April 26th, I'm going to have abdominal surgery. I had surgery of the summer, but it was a quick procedure called a laproscopic surgery. They didn't have to cut me open very much. This time will be much more "invasive," as the doctors put it. I need two surgeons and a hospital stay.

On some level, I think I'm happy about this. I get to not attend the last month of school - which was my favorite time last year. The last month of school is when all of the students that don't want to be in school don't show up because the weather is nice. The only kids you have left in the classroom are those who have parents that discipline their children or those who are there to get an education. They are usually all fun and well-behaved. It says a lot about how much I've enjoyed my teaching this year that I would be happy not to be a teacher for the last month of school. I'm ashamed of myself. Terribly, horribly ashamed.

And yet, I still don't want to go. If there was a way I could stop teaching now and still get my Master's degree, I'd do it. I'd go without the pay. This job makes me feel like a failure every day.

I've always been a law-abiding person. I try to do the right thing. I wanted to become a teacher because I'd had such excellent teachers over the years and I wanted to pass that on to the next generation. My teachers helped me be the person that I am. The inspired me and pushed me to do better and be better. I'm trying to do that in my students and failing. I'm not inspiring anyone and the majority of my students seem to not even hear what I say, no matter how I try to get it to them. I'm not doing my job. I'm not achieving my goals. I'm failing. That knowledge makes me feel like I'm running sandpaper all over my skin every day that I teacher. I'm failing. It's not just that I'm failing my students but I'm failing the next generation as a role model and myself for not passing on the good I've been given. Failfailfailfail.

Or perhaps I'm just very anxious about the surgery. I don't know anymore. I just know that I don't feel well emotionally and summer can't come fast enough - even if I have to get cut open to have it arrive faster.