Tuesday, November 10, 2009

State of Denmark

Thought of the Day: State of Denmark

My mother called me last week right after school on Thursday. They found something wrong with her heart and she was going into surgery in 30 minutes. I didn't have enough time to get down there before she went in for surgery. She wanted to call me in case something went wrong. Apparently, they found a blockage so bad in hear heart that they were afraid of letting her leave the hospital and they rushed her over to the heart surgeon.

I left school and rushed over there. One poor student had the unfortunate luck of running into me on the way out of the building and seeing me in tears. He was unsettled by seeing that, poor thing. I just told him that my mother was sick and I needed to go see her in the hospital and I was worried. I still think he was unsettled. He did say that he "hoped she got better."

This weekend, after worrying about my mom, spending time with her in the hospital, and going to a Saturday graduate class where I mostly sat in the seat, numb to everything that was going on, I just snapped. What am I doing? I should have been with my mother. Then I got really sick. I had one of the worst migraines that I've had in the past 6 months. I was sick all of Sunday and into most of Monday morning. I probably should have gone to the hospital but I didn't want to be poked and prodded by doctors. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear for awhile. I didn't go to school yesterday. This is my 4th sick day this year so far and it's only November.

I've been putting everything on hold for this program for the past two years. I haven't spent much time with my family, I'm always running around too busy to see my friends, and when I do see people I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep. Last year, I had fun in class and I was happy to be in the program even if the costs were great. Now, my perspective has changed. Perhaps it's the drugs making me moody or the fact that I'm not teaching the same subject or grade level as last year. Perhaps it's because I'm not as fresh-faced as I was last year. Maybe I'm just trying to take my job more seriously and that's ruining what joy I got in being an unconventional teacher. All I know is that something is wrong. I think it's me.

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