Monday, November 16, 2009

One way or another

News Flash #2

Oh, I just had a meeting with my superiors about my continued presence in our graduate program and teaching.

It didn't go very well. There was crying involved. I really, really, really loathe crying in front of people when I need to be professional. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. All of the misery about my failed sense of worth as a teacher came crashing out. I just didn't feel like I was doing a good job and my students were the ones who were suffering.

All of my superiors did a good job of politely ignoring my outburst. I think that made me feel worse and want to cry more, which is exactly what happened. I used to have such control over my emotions.

However, on a more positive note: my S.O. had surprises waiting for me when I got home. These surprises had to wait until after I had gone into the shower and cried my eyes out, but I just couldn't take any more people staring at me while I had an emotional breakdown. My S.O. apparently knew I was going to have a bad day and left me a really sweet voice mail and fixed up my office. I just had to let the air out.

Strangely, I have this sense of calmness about the whole thing now. I feel like I'm a criminal and I've been caught. There's nothing to worry about now. I don't have to worry about things getting any worse and there's a strange sense of stillness around that feeling. Either way, things will work out.

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